Wednesday, August 18, 2004
The Force Ain't Exactly Backing Off These Days
Star Wars. While the original movie may be timelessly entertaining, the concept for a Reaganesque impenetrable shield against America's enemies is a complete joke in the post-9/11 world. I remember one of my first thoughts almost 3 years ago after that fateful day being that this charade of military no-lookie-inside-we-makie-big-secrets contracts had ended. But Bush yesterday threw another log on that fire. Saying that opponents to missle defense you-must-make-the-pie-higher dreams aren't aware of the realities of the 21st century has to quite nearly top the audacity scale so astonishingly elevated by this Bushie era. Hey, if the idea of knocking down rogue missiles worked, I'd be the first to say put them in place. Hell, I'd want one. And even if the feasibility was within reach in an Apollo program long-term anticipation, I'd still be on board. Yet all the scientists that I've seen debate this grossly-uninvestigated expenditure have called it a historic folly unworthy of the limited resources we have to put toward such programs. Someone's got to bring us back around to the debate terms used after 9/11 - if they can hit us with our own planes using the improvised weapons they can get through our own security, do we really want to spend billions every year researching how to knock down a fictional long-range missile fired with obvious intent by a nation we could subsequently level in response? At some point someone has to echo the McArthy era and say - at long last, sir, have you no decency at all?
The normal rash of political stories in today's papers don't really advance much in the way of the '04 race. So I want to shift gears somewhat. I just got word yesterday that a piece I submitted and then re-submitted to McSweeney's with some encouragement from their editors was nixed. Given that I'm trying to get back in the game, this was a disappointment. But in an effort to exorcise my lingering hopes for this bit o' shtick and to move on to the next, I'm going to offer it up here. Originally, I'd wanted to take the codenaming by the Secret Service (as reported by the National Journal at the end of July) of Kerry, Edwards and Teresa to the next level of silliness. Quite obviously from the point of view of McSweeney's, I went too obscure on many of the references. But I guarantee you, I've got justifications for them all. Let me know if you want any of the names explained (my email). Regardless, I hope someone gets the Shecky Green Bottle reference that I've been justifying to my wife for the past few days - I swear it's worth a second looksie, even if only to me.
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Not-so Secret Service: The Kerry Campaign Codenames
by Eric Magnuson
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John Kerry – Minuteman
John Edwards – Speedway
Teresa Heinz Kerry – Mahogany
Vanessa Kerry – Fulbright
Alexandra Kerry – Shiny
Chris Heinz – Shecky Green Bottle
Andre Heinz – Don Rickles, No Relish
John Heinz – The Kerry Larry
Cameron Kerry – Kirk! (pronounced as Ricardo Montalban did in “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan”)
Elizabeth Edwards – Wendy’s Supreme
Cate Edwards – Tigger
Jack Edwards – Piglet
Emma Claire Edwards – The Other Piglet
Wesley Blake Edwards – Billy Beer
Mary Beth Cahill – Mary Beth Cahill
Tad Devine – Smidge Delightful
Rand Beers – Rockwell Margaritas
Max Cleland – Lefty
Ben Affleck – Future President Jack Ryan
Teddy Kennedy – Scooby
Richard Gephardt – Dickard Goodheart
Howard Dean – YEEAAARRGH! (no wait, too obvious)… Cabot Extrasharp Cheddar
Kerry’s Swiftboat Mates – Gilligans I through XII
Please be advised: Final Bush Campaign assignments delayed until after Convention due to upcoming, pre-scheduled Terror Alerts.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And so as Bush preps to head to Crawford for yet another undeserved vacation, I do so likewise in heading to my wife's family compound in Santa Barbara. Maybe this Bush punk and I have something in common after all.
Star Wars. While the original movie may be timelessly entertaining, the concept for a Reaganesque impenetrable shield against America's enemies is a complete joke in the post-9/11 world. I remember one of my first thoughts almost 3 years ago after that fateful day being that this charade of military no-lookie-inside-we-makie-big-secrets contracts had ended. But Bush yesterday threw another log on that fire. Saying that opponents to missle defense you-must-make-the-pie-higher dreams aren't aware of the realities of the 21st century has to quite nearly top the audacity scale so astonishingly elevated by this Bushie era. Hey, if the idea of knocking down rogue missiles worked, I'd be the first to say put them in place. Hell, I'd want one. And even if the feasibility was within reach in an Apollo program long-term anticipation, I'd still be on board. Yet all the scientists that I've seen debate this grossly-uninvestigated expenditure have called it a historic folly unworthy of the limited resources we have to put toward such programs. Someone's got to bring us back around to the debate terms used after 9/11 - if they can hit us with our own planes using the improvised weapons they can get through our own security, do we really want to spend billions every year researching how to knock down a fictional long-range missile fired with obvious intent by a nation we could subsequently level in response? At some point someone has to echo the McArthy era and say - at long last, sir, have you no decency at all?
The normal rash of political stories in today's papers don't really advance much in the way of the '04 race. So I want to shift gears somewhat. I just got word yesterday that a piece I submitted and then re-submitted to McSweeney's with some encouragement from their editors was nixed. Given that I'm trying to get back in the game, this was a disappointment. But in an effort to exorcise my lingering hopes for this bit o' shtick and to move on to the next, I'm going to offer it up here. Originally, I'd wanted to take the codenaming by the Secret Service (as reported by the National Journal at the end of July) of Kerry, Edwards and Teresa to the next level of silliness. Quite obviously from the point of view of McSweeney's, I went too obscure on many of the references. But I guarantee you, I've got justifications for them all. Let me know if you want any of the names explained (my email). Regardless, I hope someone gets the Shecky Green Bottle reference that I've been justifying to my wife for the past few days - I swear it's worth a second looksie, even if only to me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Not-so Secret Service: The Kerry Campaign Codenames
by Eric Magnuson
---
John Kerry – Minuteman
John Edwards – Speedway
Teresa Heinz Kerry – Mahogany
Vanessa Kerry – Fulbright
Alexandra Kerry – Shiny
Chris Heinz – Shecky Green Bottle
Andre Heinz – Don Rickles, No Relish
John Heinz – The Kerry Larry
Cameron Kerry – Kirk! (pronounced as Ricardo Montalban did in “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan”)
Elizabeth Edwards – Wendy’s Supreme
Cate Edwards – Tigger
Jack Edwards – Piglet
Emma Claire Edwards – The Other Piglet
Wesley Blake Edwards – Billy Beer
Mary Beth Cahill – Mary Beth Cahill
Tad Devine – Smidge Delightful
Rand Beers – Rockwell Margaritas
Max Cleland – Lefty
Ben Affleck – Future President Jack Ryan
Teddy Kennedy – Scooby
Richard Gephardt – Dickard Goodheart
Howard Dean – YEEAAARRGH! (no wait, too obvious)… Cabot Extrasharp Cheddar
Kerry’s Swiftboat Mates – Gilligans I through XII
Please be advised: Final Bush Campaign assignments delayed until after Convention due to upcoming, pre-scheduled Terror Alerts.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And so as Bush preps to head to Crawford for yet another undeserved vacation, I do so likewise in heading to my wife's family compound in Santa Barbara. Maybe this Bush punk and I have something in common after all.
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